BY NAOMI WILLIAMS

I know He can, but what if he doesn’t? I’ve lost hope yet have kept faith. I don’t have expectations. I’ve lost the ability to dream, let alone dream big. Things don’t make sense and from a Christian perspective I’ve been taught that it doesn’t have to make sense just trust the plan. 

Know that God has a plan and purpose for your life (Jeremiah 29:11). Know that His ways are higher than your ways and His thoughts are higher than your thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9). Know that He knew you before He formed you (Jeremiah 1:5). These are all scriptures that were taught to me, and that I learned to recite. They are scriptures that I’ve read and discussed in small groups and bible study; scriptures that I pondered, dissected, prayed, pleaded and cried over in my quiet time. I’ve witnessed and celebrated with friends and strangers when they received the physical healing that they’d been praying for. I have authentic joy for them, and yet there is a bit of sting to my heart because my prayers have gone unanswered, or have they?

My son is nearly sixteen years old; I don’t pray for his healing anymore. I pray that God keeps him safe and healthy, for me to be able to always take care of him, and for him to be cared for as good as if not better than I cared for him should I die before he does. I pray for my son to have a good life for as long as he’s with me and that he has a painless death when his appointed time comes. My prayer doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in miracles or that God can’t heal my son completely. He absolutely can. I witness miracles regularly and still experience them in my own life. I have mustard seed faith (Luke 17:6), and I’ve chosen to make the best of the life that I’ve been given with my son, physical healing or not. 

To be better, to be functional and to enjoy the life that I have, I focus on what I can control. Faith without work is dead (James 2:26). I air my grievances and frustrations. I lament. I remind myself that God knew me and my son before he formed us. He knows the plans he has for us; for us to prosper and not to be harmed (Jeremiah 29:11). I choose to see my miracle as people’s hearts and minds being changed by witnessing the love and life that my son and I live. 

I’m challenged and annoyed when people stop me in public and want to pray for my son. I now ask “What do you want to pray for?” I’m sure I take offense because if my son didn’t have an apparent disability, they wouldn’t approach me. I’m challenged and angry which really just masks my hurts of living out the consequences of other’s actions. I’m confused with people, policies, and legislation that support pro-life, yet don’t support all life after birth as they do while in utero. 

My faith is under fire. I come with more questions than I do answers, and that’s okay. We’re told to bring all of our burdens to Christ and He will give us rest (Mathew 11:28). My desire is to get to a place of rest: for my mind, body, heart and soul. 

I wrote this while going through an extremely stressful time. Everything was hard, and I was having to handle things by myself. Everything is still hard, and I’m still having to handle things myself, yet I’ve learned how to reach out to those who can help me emotionally carry the weight. I have people who have the capacity to hold space for me, whether with my tears, crass jokes, or to just sit in silence. I have faith and it’s under fire.

“Pressure makes diamonds.” -George S. Patton Jr.

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” -Maya Angelou

Naomi D. Williams is a perfectly imperfect person on a mission to empower individuals and families to live their best life, now. As a Life Doula, she helps people navigate and process major life altering events. Naomi believes anyone and everyone can and should lead an exceptional life. She is the proud mother of a former 26-week preemie who lives with a host of diagnoses that fall under the primary umbrella of spastic quadriplegia cerebral palsy. She uses her and her son’s past and present experiences to inform and partner with healthcare systems as they live out the consequences of not being considered a valuable member of their care team. Naomi is the author of And God Remembered Noah: A mother’s heart-opening journey through 22 weeks in the NICU. When not advocating for her family or others, you can find Naomi getting lost exploring nature or taking a deep breath on her yoga mat. Find her at exceptionalliving101.org , Noahland.Art  and on NC-d. com or Linked In